Once more, I have a celebrity advice seeker from beyond the grave. Norris McWhirter of Record Breakers fame has written: “In 1955 my twin brother Ross and I persuaded a brewery to back a compendium of world records, and one has been published every year since. I consider myself to be something of an authority on world records - after all in 1954 I kept time when Roger Bannister ran the four minute mile. I have personally overseen numerous mass tap-dance and domino toppling records. So when spotted a rival world record page - run by some whippersnapper no doubt, I was almost as angry and disappointed as I was when my 1985 defamation case against Spitting Image failed. What should I do to fend off this johnny-come-lately challenger? Should I once more invoke the legal system? Should I call on some of the rougher people I've met through my record documenting career? PS. Any advice on how I can posthumously revive the flagging Conservative party would also be welcome.”
Well, Norris, I would suggest you have nothing to fear from this youngster, as your compendium consists of world records of a totally different nature from the keepers of the Canal House record vault. Whilst your book includes such pointless and quite frankly laughable records as world’s heaviest lemon, most kicks to the head in one minute (self) and world’s biggest liar (why does anyone believe him??) Stefan’s world records contains such highly esteemed titles as most sun lollies eaten in one day (not cola) and fastest downing of a blue WKD. You could send in Archie Moore, but that wouldn’t be very nice or effective since he's dead. PS. No idea how to give advice on that one, sorry! Hope that helps, Norris.
Monday, October 18, 2004
Tuesday, October 12, 2004
Ofsted obsession
In a break from normal service, a normal person has written in to ask for advice. Now, I have tried not to become star struck after the advice I have given to the rich and famous over the past few advises, so hopefully I will be able to send this troubled soul happily on their way.
"I really hope that you can help me. I've fallen in love with a man I met at work. Our eyes met across a crowded room as he glanced up over the top of his clipboard and I was smitten from that moment on. I know there's an age-gap between us, but I just adore the way he shuffles his papers at the back and scribbles his funny little notes. I try to 'pretend he's simply not there' - but it's impossible. The problem is that he's an OFSTED inspector and I know that my colleagues in the staffroom will never accept him. Whatever shall I do? Yours, A Teacher"
Well, A, I'm thinking you need to pull this inspector as soon as possible in order to assure a good grade for yourself. If your colleagues won't accept him then what do you care? Grade 5 for the lot of them I say. Alternatively, you could always tell them he has changed career to a serial killer or an animal experimenter if it will mean your colleagues accept him more easily. Hope that helps, A.
"I really hope that you can help me. I've fallen in love with a man I met at work. Our eyes met across a crowded room as he glanced up over the top of his clipboard and I was smitten from that moment on. I know there's an age-gap between us, but I just adore the way he shuffles his papers at the back and scribbles his funny little notes. I try to 'pretend he's simply not there' - but it's impossible. The problem is that he's an OFSTED inspector and I know that my colleagues in the staffroom will never accept him. Whatever shall I do? Yours, A Teacher"
Well, A, I'm thinking you need to pull this inspector as soon as possible in order to assure a good grade for yourself. If your colleagues won't accept him then what do you care? Grade 5 for the lot of them I say. Alternatively, you could always tell them he has changed career to a serial killer or an animal experimenter if it will mean your colleagues accept him more easily. Hope that helps, A.
Monday, October 11, 2004
Conker conundrum
The advisor is busy today - so many high quality problems coming my way, and so little time to answer them. Thankfully, the Advisor is willing to sacrifice their own time in order to give the answers that are so well deserved.
MJ has asked: "Hi - MJ here (Pictured right) - Would like some advice on where I can play Conkers - oooooooooooooooooooooooooow! PS - Do you think I'm Bad ? ooooh ooooh"
Now, the advisor is becoming a little suspicious of all these celebrity requests for advice. Partly it is because they have all come from the same email address and partly because MJ would surely already know the best places to play conkers. However, I will allow you the benefit of the doubt on this occasion. If you really want to know the best places to play conkers I suggest you speak to Stefan Warburton, Master of the Conkerverse. Otherwise, just nip down the park. PS. Yes, very, very, very bad. Tragic. Hope that helps, MJ.
MJ has asked: "Hi - MJ here (Pictured right) - Would like some advice on where I can play Conkers - oooooooooooooooooooooooooow! PS - Do you think I'm Bad ? ooooh ooooh"
Now, the advisor is becoming a little suspicious of all these celebrity requests for advice. Partly it is because they have all come from the same email address and partly because MJ would surely already know the best places to play conkers. However, I will allow you the benefit of the doubt on this occasion. If you really want to know the best places to play conkers I suggest you speak to Stefan Warburton, Master of the Conkerverse. Otherwise, just nip down the park. PS. Yes, very, very, very bad. Tragic. Hope that helps, MJ.
Ronnies rambling request
Yet another request for advice from the rich and famous.
Ronnie asks: "Ronnie Corbet here (pictured left) - you may remember me from such TV problems as... The Two Ronnies - anyhoo, I would like advice on the following; "He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious? He was a punk, she did ballet - what more can I say?" Just why, oh why didn't they get it on together Advisor? Just WHY??? Anyhow, its good night from him. Please Advice... Tar Tar Ronnie"
Well, Ronnie, this is certainly an important issue you raise. Fortunately, as an experienced advisor I can give you the answer you need. He wanted her, she'd never tell secretly she wanted him as well. But all of her friends stuck up their nose -they had a problem with his baggy clothes. He was a skater boy, she said see you later boy he wasn't good enough for her she had a pretty face but her head was up in space, she needed to come back down to earth. And let that be a lesson to us all. Hope that helps, Ronnie.
Ronnie asks: "Ronnie Corbet here (pictured left) - you may remember me from such TV problems as... The Two Ronnies - anyhoo, I would like advice on the following; "He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious? He was a punk, she did ballet - what more can I say?" Just why, oh why didn't they get it on together Advisor? Just WHY??? Anyhow, its good night from him. Please Advice... Tar Tar Ronnie"
Well, Ronnie, this is certainly an important issue you raise. Fortunately, as an experienced advisor I can give you the answer you need. He wanted her, she'd never tell secretly she wanted him as well. But all of her friends stuck up their nose -they had a problem with his baggy clothes. He was a skater boy, she said see you later boy he wasn't good enough for her she had a pretty face but her head was up in space, she needed to come back down to earth. And let that be a lesson to us all. Hope that helps, Ronnie.
Friday, October 08, 2004
Paul's perplexing puzzlement
Amazingly, yet another request for help from a high profile star. I expect I shall be off to Hollywood soon to make my own advice giving prime time show. Its surely only a matter of time.
"Hullo - Magic - Not alot. Paul here (Say Yes Paul) - you may remember me from such programs as ... well, Paul Daniels Magic Show and Wizbit - Magic! HuuHuuHuu Huuu!Anyhoo, I'm here to ask for Advice - Basically, I'm a stumpy arse, but some how managed to pull Debbie (Debbie Debbie Debbie!!) - and now bored of her ... and want some young filly to tap off with. Any Advice is great!! Anyhow, pick a card, any card ... Say Yes Paul! Tar Tar. Paul"
Well, Paul, short people can often pull. As can ugly people, and since you are both, you really need to approach your tapping in the right way. A person such as yourself should really aim for the visually impaired market, and being deaf would also be a bonus. Also, don't you think Debbie is a good name? The best name ever in my opinion. Hope that helps, Paul.
"Hullo - Magic - Not alot. Paul here (Say Yes Paul) - you may remember me from such programs as ... well, Paul Daniels Magic Show and Wizbit - Magic! HuuHuuHuu Huuu!Anyhoo, I'm here to ask for Advice - Basically, I'm a stumpy arse, but some how managed to pull Debbie (Debbie Debbie Debbie!!) - and now bored of her ... and want some young filly to tap off with. Any Advice is great!! Anyhow, pick a card, any card ... Say Yes Paul! Tar Tar. Paul"
Well, Paul, short people can often pull. As can ugly people, and since you are both, you really need to approach your tapping in the right way. A person such as yourself should really aim for the visually impaired market, and being deaf would also be a bonus. Also, don't you think Debbie is a good name? The best name ever in my opinion. Hope that helps, Paul.
Afterlife advice
Yet again, the rich and famous are requesting much sought after help and advice from the esteemed advisor, and this time from beyond the grave. Spooky.
"TV Actor Terry Scott here (Pictured Left) - I would like to have a good night out in Leamington Spa - however, don't really want to get into any trouble. Could you please advise on where I should and shouldn't go. I would like a night that would include, couple of jars of beer, a boogie and then finished off with a Kebab. PS don't you think Juuuuune looks pretty spiffing? Reckon she would pull in any of the clubs if Leamington Spa? Tar Tar. Terry"
Well, Terry, if you really want to have a good night and not get into any trouble, avoid Stefan Warburton at all costs. Apart from that, I hear the Well is a high quality establishment, and Mirage is also worth a trip. Trouble can be caused in Mirage by throwing beer around, so I would not recommend this. After Mirage, Viallis is a convenient kebabery, although you must be careful not to get in a fight. PS. Yes, June is a babe and would heve little competition in Options or Rios come to think of it. Hope that helps, Terry.
"TV Actor Terry Scott here (Pictured Left) - I would like to have a good night out in Leamington Spa - however, don't really want to get into any trouble. Could you please advise on where I should and shouldn't go. I would like a night that would include, couple of jars of beer, a boogie and then finished off with a Kebab. PS don't you think Juuuuune looks pretty spiffing? Reckon she would pull in any of the clubs if Leamington Spa? Tar Tar. Terry"
Well, Terry, if you really want to have a good night and not get into any trouble, avoid Stefan Warburton at all costs. Apart from that, I hear the Well is a high quality establishment, and Mirage is also worth a trip. Trouble can be caused in Mirage by throwing beer around, so I would not recommend this. After Mirage, Viallis is a convenient kebabery, although you must be careful not to get in a fight. PS. Yes, June is a babe and would heve little competition in Options or Rios come to think of it. Hope that helps, Terry.
Tuesday, October 05, 2004
Quizzical question
Bimbo Baggins has written with an interesting problem: "My friends keep going to pub quizzes and not asking me to come with them. I'm really worried that they think I'm thick - what shall I do? How can I prove to them that I'm not?"
Well, Bimbo, if you are as smart as you think you are, you would work out the answer to this problem all by yourself. However, as I am the kind and generous Advisor I will help you through your troubles. It is obvious to me that the reason your friends don't invite you to pub quizzes is not because you are thick, but because they don't like you. Either that or because you once said you hated pub quizzes. Hope that helps, Bimbo.
Well, Bimbo, if you are as smart as you think you are, you would work out the answer to this problem all by yourself. However, as I am the kind and generous Advisor I will help you through your troubles. It is obvious to me that the reason your friends don't invite you to pub quizzes is not because you are thick, but because they don't like you. Either that or because you once said you hated pub quizzes. Hope that helps, Bimbo.
Friday, October 01, 2004
Entrepreneurial envy
Del boy Taff has asked for an answer to the following predicament: "I've been trying to think of some good Cost Savings Initiatives, but they just don't seem to be sufficient to buy me the expensive cigars I need. To try to fund my extravagant lifestyle, I've started to come up with some Cost Inverting Initiatives. My first scam is to cobble together some photos I've found on the Internet and print them all on one page. I've worked out two things: 1) The people who will want to buy these are my 'mates'. 2) I can make a whopping 42% profit on each one. How can you go wrong? I hear you cry. Well, the problem is that I told my 'mates' exactly how much they were being ripped off and now they aren't so keen to fund my Cuban habit. How can I placate these poor fools and make them forget what I told them? If your advice works - there's an expensive gift in it for you (paid for by my 'mates' - of course.)"
Now, Del, ask yourself if these people are your real friends. If so they will realise you are not running some kind of charity for beer drinking poster owners, and you need to cover expensive expenses incurred on the photography mission such as shoe wear, petrol and drinking beer. Answer honestly, are you forcing these people to buy your high quality merchandise? No. Are they free to come up with the idea, take their own pictures, put them in poster format and bulk buy? Yes. I suggest you let the market decide. Hope that helps, Del.
Now, Del, ask yourself if these people are your real friends. If so they will realise you are not running some kind of charity for beer drinking poster owners, and you need to cover expensive expenses incurred on the photography mission such as shoe wear, petrol and drinking beer. Answer honestly, are you forcing these people to buy your high quality merchandise? No. Are they free to come up with the idea, take their own pictures, put them in poster format and bulk buy? Yes. I suggest you let the market decide. Hope that helps, Del.
Stilgo still going
The excellent advice offered on this page has now started to entice the rich and famous to ask for help. He has even submitted a picture:
TV's Richard Stilgo has asked: "Hi, Richard Stilgo (pictured left in photo)here... You may remember me from BBC 1 in the 1980s. I would like some advice on how to get back into Television. I also would like some advice for a friend who is thinking about growing a beard - a little like the one im sporting in the photograph - should he be growing one, or should he be clean shaven. I dont know what these young lasses these days - life used to be so simpler back in my youth - cord skirts and frilly tops. None of this Yellow card malarky that happens on down "The Well" Anyhow, must go use my remington fuzzaway (tm) - tar tar. PS - do you think my pal looks a twat?"
Well, Richard, in order to get back on television I would recommend the reality TV route. I wouldn't aim as high as Celebrity Big Brother or I'm a Celebrity, but maybe you would fit in well on Channel 5's Cosmetic Surgery Live. As for your friend's beard, I would suggest that is he has a round and chubby face then a goatee beard can hide the double chins and be quite slimming. Otherwise I would not bother - the ladies of today prefer a clean shaven chap. PS Yes he does. Hope that helps, Richard.
TV's Richard Stilgo has asked: "Hi, Richard Stilgo (pictured left in photo)here... You may remember me from BBC 1 in the 1980s. I would like some advice on how to get back into Television. I also would like some advice for a friend who is thinking about growing a beard - a little like the one im sporting in the photograph - should he be growing one, or should he be clean shaven. I dont know what these young lasses these days - life used to be so simpler back in my youth - cord skirts and frilly tops. None of this Yellow card malarky that happens on down "The Well" Anyhow, must go use my remington fuzzaway (tm) - tar tar. PS - do you think my pal looks a twat?"
Well, Richard, in order to get back on television I would recommend the reality TV route. I wouldn't aim as high as Celebrity Big Brother or I'm a Celebrity, but maybe you would fit in well on Channel 5's Cosmetic Surgery Live. As for your friend's beard, I would suggest that is he has a round and chubby face then a goatee beard can hide the double chins and be quite slimming. Otherwise I would not bother - the ladies of today prefer a clean shaven chap. PS Yes he does. Hope that helps, Richard.
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