I haven't had any requests for advice for quite a while, but it seems my advisees have not left me - they have merely been happy and not in need for my help. I hope my advice giving skills are not too rusty as I attempt to answer this important question.
Memphis Raines writes: "I need your advice. I have recently acquired a second hand MG car. However I have not been supplied with any keys. How might I go about resolving this dilemma?"
Well, Memphis, it appears that I have not lost my advising skills, and I have an excellent solution for you. Coincidentally, a friend of mine recently lost his car - an MG of all things, what are the odds of that? He still has a set of keys and so I suggest you speak to him and see if you can strike a deal. If you go round his house, keep your mitts off the blue Ibiza parked on the street outside - any other cars are up for grabs. Hope that helps, Memphis.
Thursday, November 11, 2004
Monday, October 18, 2004
Record breakers advice
Once more, I have a celebrity advice seeker from beyond the grave. Norris McWhirter of Record Breakers fame has written: “In 1955 my twin brother Ross and I persuaded a brewery to back a compendium of world records, and one has been published every year since. I consider myself to be something of an authority on world records - after all in 1954 I kept time when Roger Bannister ran the four minute mile. I have personally overseen numerous mass tap-dance and domino toppling records. So when spotted a rival world record page - run by some whippersnapper no doubt, I was almost as angry and disappointed as I was when my 1985 defamation case against Spitting Image failed. What should I do to fend off this johnny-come-lately challenger? Should I once more invoke the legal system? Should I call on some of the rougher people I've met through my record documenting career? PS. Any advice on how I can posthumously revive the flagging Conservative party would also be welcome.”
Well, Norris, I would suggest you have nothing to fear from this youngster, as your compendium consists of world records of a totally different nature from the keepers of the Canal House record vault. Whilst your book includes such pointless and quite frankly laughable records as world’s heaviest lemon, most kicks to the head in one minute (self) and world’s biggest liar (why does anyone believe him??) Stefan’s world records contains such highly esteemed titles as most sun lollies eaten in one day (not cola) and fastest downing of a blue WKD. You could send in Archie Moore, but that wouldn’t be very nice or effective since he's dead. PS. No idea how to give advice on that one, sorry! Hope that helps, Norris.
Well, Norris, I would suggest you have nothing to fear from this youngster, as your compendium consists of world records of a totally different nature from the keepers of the Canal House record vault. Whilst your book includes such pointless and quite frankly laughable records as world’s heaviest lemon, most kicks to the head in one minute (self) and world’s biggest liar (why does anyone believe him??) Stefan’s world records contains such highly esteemed titles as most sun lollies eaten in one day (not cola) and fastest downing of a blue WKD. You could send in Archie Moore, but that wouldn’t be very nice or effective since he's dead. PS. No idea how to give advice on that one, sorry! Hope that helps, Norris.
Tuesday, October 12, 2004
Ofsted obsession
In a break from normal service, a normal person has written in to ask for advice. Now, I have tried not to become star struck after the advice I have given to the rich and famous over the past few advises, so hopefully I will be able to send this troubled soul happily on their way.
"I really hope that you can help me. I've fallen in love with a man I met at work. Our eyes met across a crowded room as he glanced up over the top of his clipboard and I was smitten from that moment on. I know there's an age-gap between us, but I just adore the way he shuffles his papers at the back and scribbles his funny little notes. I try to 'pretend he's simply not there' - but it's impossible. The problem is that he's an OFSTED inspector and I know that my colleagues in the staffroom will never accept him. Whatever shall I do? Yours, A Teacher"
Well, A, I'm thinking you need to pull this inspector as soon as possible in order to assure a good grade for yourself. If your colleagues won't accept him then what do you care? Grade 5 for the lot of them I say. Alternatively, you could always tell them he has changed career to a serial killer or an animal experimenter if it will mean your colleagues accept him more easily. Hope that helps, A.
"I really hope that you can help me. I've fallen in love with a man I met at work. Our eyes met across a crowded room as he glanced up over the top of his clipboard and I was smitten from that moment on. I know there's an age-gap between us, but I just adore the way he shuffles his papers at the back and scribbles his funny little notes. I try to 'pretend he's simply not there' - but it's impossible. The problem is that he's an OFSTED inspector and I know that my colleagues in the staffroom will never accept him. Whatever shall I do? Yours, A Teacher"
Well, A, I'm thinking you need to pull this inspector as soon as possible in order to assure a good grade for yourself. If your colleagues won't accept him then what do you care? Grade 5 for the lot of them I say. Alternatively, you could always tell them he has changed career to a serial killer or an animal experimenter if it will mean your colleagues accept him more easily. Hope that helps, A.
Monday, October 11, 2004
Conker conundrum
The advisor is busy today - so many high quality problems coming my way, and so little time to answer them. Thankfully, the Advisor is willing to sacrifice their own time in order to give the answers that are so well deserved.
MJ has asked: "Hi - MJ here (Pictured right) - Would like some advice on where I can play Conkers - oooooooooooooooooooooooooow! PS - Do you think I'm Bad ? ooooh ooooh"
Now, the advisor is becoming a little suspicious of all these celebrity requests for advice. Partly it is because they have all come from the same email address and partly because MJ would surely already know the best places to play conkers. However, I will allow you the benefit of the doubt on this occasion. If you really want to know the best places to play conkers I suggest you speak to Stefan Warburton, Master of the Conkerverse. Otherwise, just nip down the park. PS. Yes, very, very, very bad. Tragic. Hope that helps, MJ.
MJ has asked: "Hi - MJ here (Pictured right) - Would like some advice on where I can play Conkers - oooooooooooooooooooooooooow! PS - Do you think I'm Bad ? ooooh ooooh"
Now, the advisor is becoming a little suspicious of all these celebrity requests for advice. Partly it is because they have all come from the same email address and partly because MJ would surely already know the best places to play conkers. However, I will allow you the benefit of the doubt on this occasion. If you really want to know the best places to play conkers I suggest you speak to Stefan Warburton, Master of the Conkerverse. Otherwise, just nip down the park. PS. Yes, very, very, very bad. Tragic. Hope that helps, MJ.
Ronnies rambling request
Yet another request for advice from the rich and famous.
Ronnie asks: "Ronnie Corbet here (pictured left) - you may remember me from such TV problems as... The Two Ronnies - anyhoo, I would like advice on the following; "He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious? He was a punk, she did ballet - what more can I say?" Just why, oh why didn't they get it on together Advisor? Just WHY??? Anyhow, its good night from him. Please Advice... Tar Tar Ronnie"
Well, Ronnie, this is certainly an important issue you raise. Fortunately, as an experienced advisor I can give you the answer you need. He wanted her, she'd never tell secretly she wanted him as well. But all of her friends stuck up their nose -they had a problem with his baggy clothes. He was a skater boy, she said see you later boy he wasn't good enough for her she had a pretty face but her head was up in space, she needed to come back down to earth. And let that be a lesson to us all. Hope that helps, Ronnie.
Ronnie asks: "Ronnie Corbet here (pictured left) - you may remember me from such TV problems as... The Two Ronnies - anyhoo, I would like advice on the following; "He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious? He was a punk, she did ballet - what more can I say?" Just why, oh why didn't they get it on together Advisor? Just WHY??? Anyhow, its good night from him. Please Advice... Tar Tar Ronnie"
Well, Ronnie, this is certainly an important issue you raise. Fortunately, as an experienced advisor I can give you the answer you need. He wanted her, she'd never tell secretly she wanted him as well. But all of her friends stuck up their nose -they had a problem with his baggy clothes. He was a skater boy, she said see you later boy he wasn't good enough for her she had a pretty face but her head was up in space, she needed to come back down to earth. And let that be a lesson to us all. Hope that helps, Ronnie.
Friday, October 08, 2004
Paul's perplexing puzzlement
Amazingly, yet another request for help from a high profile star. I expect I shall be off to Hollywood soon to make my own advice giving prime time show. Its surely only a matter of time.
"Hullo - Magic - Not alot. Paul here (Say Yes Paul) - you may remember me from such programs as ... well, Paul Daniels Magic Show and Wizbit - Magic! HuuHuuHuu Huuu!Anyhoo, I'm here to ask for Advice - Basically, I'm a stumpy arse, but some how managed to pull Debbie (Debbie Debbie Debbie!!) - and now bored of her ... and want some young filly to tap off with. Any Advice is great!! Anyhow, pick a card, any card ... Say Yes Paul! Tar Tar. Paul"
Well, Paul, short people can often pull. As can ugly people, and since you are both, you really need to approach your tapping in the right way. A person such as yourself should really aim for the visually impaired market, and being deaf would also be a bonus. Also, don't you think Debbie is a good name? The best name ever in my opinion. Hope that helps, Paul.
"Hullo - Magic - Not alot. Paul here (Say Yes Paul) - you may remember me from such programs as ... well, Paul Daniels Magic Show and Wizbit - Magic! HuuHuuHuu Huuu!Anyhoo, I'm here to ask for Advice - Basically, I'm a stumpy arse, but some how managed to pull Debbie (Debbie Debbie Debbie!!) - and now bored of her ... and want some young filly to tap off with. Any Advice is great!! Anyhow, pick a card, any card ... Say Yes Paul! Tar Tar. Paul"
Well, Paul, short people can often pull. As can ugly people, and since you are both, you really need to approach your tapping in the right way. A person such as yourself should really aim for the visually impaired market, and being deaf would also be a bonus. Also, don't you think Debbie is a good name? The best name ever in my opinion. Hope that helps, Paul.
Afterlife advice
Yet again, the rich and famous are requesting much sought after help and advice from the esteemed advisor, and this time from beyond the grave. Spooky.
"TV Actor Terry Scott here (Pictured Left) - I would like to have a good night out in Leamington Spa - however, don't really want to get into any trouble. Could you please advise on where I should and shouldn't go. I would like a night that would include, couple of jars of beer, a boogie and then finished off with a Kebab. PS don't you think Juuuuune looks pretty spiffing? Reckon she would pull in any of the clubs if Leamington Spa? Tar Tar. Terry"
Well, Terry, if you really want to have a good night and not get into any trouble, avoid Stefan Warburton at all costs. Apart from that, I hear the Well is a high quality establishment, and Mirage is also worth a trip. Trouble can be caused in Mirage by throwing beer around, so I would not recommend this. After Mirage, Viallis is a convenient kebabery, although you must be careful not to get in a fight. PS. Yes, June is a babe and would heve little competition in Options or Rios come to think of it. Hope that helps, Terry.
"TV Actor Terry Scott here (Pictured Left) - I would like to have a good night out in Leamington Spa - however, don't really want to get into any trouble. Could you please advise on where I should and shouldn't go. I would like a night that would include, couple of jars of beer, a boogie and then finished off with a Kebab. PS don't you think Juuuuune looks pretty spiffing? Reckon she would pull in any of the clubs if Leamington Spa? Tar Tar. Terry"
Well, Terry, if you really want to have a good night and not get into any trouble, avoid Stefan Warburton at all costs. Apart from that, I hear the Well is a high quality establishment, and Mirage is also worth a trip. Trouble can be caused in Mirage by throwing beer around, so I would not recommend this. After Mirage, Viallis is a convenient kebabery, although you must be careful not to get in a fight. PS. Yes, June is a babe and would heve little competition in Options or Rios come to think of it. Hope that helps, Terry.
Tuesday, October 05, 2004
Quizzical question
Bimbo Baggins has written with an interesting problem: "My friends keep going to pub quizzes and not asking me to come with them. I'm really worried that they think I'm thick - what shall I do? How can I prove to them that I'm not?"
Well, Bimbo, if you are as smart as you think you are, you would work out the answer to this problem all by yourself. However, as I am the kind and generous Advisor I will help you through your troubles. It is obvious to me that the reason your friends don't invite you to pub quizzes is not because you are thick, but because they don't like you. Either that or because you once said you hated pub quizzes. Hope that helps, Bimbo.
Well, Bimbo, if you are as smart as you think you are, you would work out the answer to this problem all by yourself. However, as I am the kind and generous Advisor I will help you through your troubles. It is obvious to me that the reason your friends don't invite you to pub quizzes is not because you are thick, but because they don't like you. Either that or because you once said you hated pub quizzes. Hope that helps, Bimbo.
Friday, October 01, 2004
Entrepreneurial envy
Del boy Taff has asked for an answer to the following predicament: "I've been trying to think of some good Cost Savings Initiatives, but they just don't seem to be sufficient to buy me the expensive cigars I need. To try to fund my extravagant lifestyle, I've started to come up with some Cost Inverting Initiatives. My first scam is to cobble together some photos I've found on the Internet and print them all on one page. I've worked out two things: 1) The people who will want to buy these are my 'mates'. 2) I can make a whopping 42% profit on each one. How can you go wrong? I hear you cry. Well, the problem is that I told my 'mates' exactly how much they were being ripped off and now they aren't so keen to fund my Cuban habit. How can I placate these poor fools and make them forget what I told them? If your advice works - there's an expensive gift in it for you (paid for by my 'mates' - of course.)"
Now, Del, ask yourself if these people are your real friends. If so they will realise you are not running some kind of charity for beer drinking poster owners, and you need to cover expensive expenses incurred on the photography mission such as shoe wear, petrol and drinking beer. Answer honestly, are you forcing these people to buy your high quality merchandise? No. Are they free to come up with the idea, take their own pictures, put them in poster format and bulk buy? Yes. I suggest you let the market decide. Hope that helps, Del.
Now, Del, ask yourself if these people are your real friends. If so they will realise you are not running some kind of charity for beer drinking poster owners, and you need to cover expensive expenses incurred on the photography mission such as shoe wear, petrol and drinking beer. Answer honestly, are you forcing these people to buy your high quality merchandise? No. Are they free to come up with the idea, take their own pictures, put them in poster format and bulk buy? Yes. I suggest you let the market decide. Hope that helps, Del.
Stilgo still going
The excellent advice offered on this page has now started to entice the rich and famous to ask for help. He has even submitted a picture:
TV's Richard Stilgo has asked: "Hi, Richard Stilgo (pictured left in photo)here... You may remember me from BBC 1 in the 1980s. I would like some advice on how to get back into Television. I also would like some advice for a friend who is thinking about growing a beard - a little like the one im sporting in the photograph - should he be growing one, or should he be clean shaven. I dont know what these young lasses these days - life used to be so simpler back in my youth - cord skirts and frilly tops. None of this Yellow card malarky that happens on down "The Well" Anyhow, must go use my remington fuzzaway (tm) - tar tar. PS - do you think my pal looks a twat?"
Well, Richard, in order to get back on television I would recommend the reality TV route. I wouldn't aim as high as Celebrity Big Brother or I'm a Celebrity, but maybe you would fit in well on Channel 5's Cosmetic Surgery Live. As for your friend's beard, I would suggest that is he has a round and chubby face then a goatee beard can hide the double chins and be quite slimming. Otherwise I would not bother - the ladies of today prefer a clean shaven chap. PS Yes he does. Hope that helps, Richard.
TV's Richard Stilgo has asked: "Hi, Richard Stilgo (pictured left in photo)here... You may remember me from BBC 1 in the 1980s. I would like some advice on how to get back into Television. I also would like some advice for a friend who is thinking about growing a beard - a little like the one im sporting in the photograph - should he be growing one, or should he be clean shaven. I dont know what these young lasses these days - life used to be so simpler back in my youth - cord skirts and frilly tops. None of this Yellow card malarky that happens on down "The Well" Anyhow, must go use my remington fuzzaway (tm) - tar tar. PS - do you think my pal looks a twat?"
Well, Richard, in order to get back on television I would recommend the reality TV route. I wouldn't aim as high as Celebrity Big Brother or I'm a Celebrity, but maybe you would fit in well on Channel 5's Cosmetic Surgery Live. As for your friend's beard, I would suggest that is he has a round and chubby face then a goatee beard can hide the double chins and be quite slimming. Otherwise I would not bother - the ladies of today prefer a clean shaven chap. PS Yes he does. Hope that helps, Richard.
Wednesday, September 29, 2004
Peter Pickle's pickling peppers puzzlement
Peter Pickle in Peckerville has asked the following serious and highly important question, which may relate to many of you out there:
"Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers. A peck of pickled peppers Peter Piper picked. If Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers. Where's the peck of pickled peppers Peter Piper picked? Please advise....."
Well, after extensive research, it would appear they are on my kitchen table. What are the odds of that? Hope that helps, Peter.
"Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers. A peck of pickled peppers Peter Piper picked. If Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers. Where's the peck of pickled peppers Peter Piper picked? Please advise....."
Well, after extensive research, it would appear they are on my kitchen table. What are the odds of that? Hope that helps, Peter.
Technological traumas
Broccolli Florette has asked: "I used to be really happy spending my evenings listening to radio 4, keeping up with current affairs, reading novels or going out with my friends and having intellectual discussions with them over a few drinks - I didn't have a TV, a computer or a DVD player. Recently I bowed to convention (and peer pressure) and acquired these electrical items. Since then I have been unable to get anything done as I am too busy watching films and surfing the net. The dishes are piling up in the sink, important works of modern literature are collecting dust unread on my bedside table, I haven't had time to even open the newspaper and I haven't left the flat in days."
Now, Broccolli, be honest, did you ever read novels or have intellectual discussions, or did you drink yourself senseless and listen to Dave Pearce on Radio 1? Your old life sounded rubbish and quite frankly dull, so it is a good thing you gave into peer pressure before it was too late. This way you can be normal, and get to watch Smokey and the Bandit 3: Smokey is the Bandit in the comfort of your own home. Hope that helps, Broccolli.
Now, Broccolli, be honest, did you ever read novels or have intellectual discussions, or did you drink yourself senseless and listen to Dave Pearce on Radio 1? Your old life sounded rubbish and quite frankly dull, so it is a good thing you gave into peer pressure before it was too late. This way you can be normal, and get to watch Smokey and the Bandit 3: Smokey is the Bandit in the comfort of your own home. Hope that helps, Broccolli.
Tuesday, September 28, 2004
Football freakery
Di Ablo has written to me requesting my excellent advice, although I'm not sure he is quite right in the head. I will try to help anyway.
"I've got a few friends from home who never really understand what it feels like to win football matches. They support some knacked out no-hopers who haven't won the league since 1967/68. Tonight, the Red Devils masterfully outplayed the might of Fenerbahce and stuffed then 6-2. Wayne Rooney scored a hat trick on his debut. How do you think I should talk to these poor, depressed fools to let them know just how good it feels to win a match in the Champions League?"
Well, Di Ablo, I would suggest that you are some kind of deluded freak. The Champions League is nowhere near as important and exciting as a yearly relegation battle, and winning the old (but not old old) division one is the pinnacle of any team's success. Also, according to the wisdom of Coca-cola, the Championship is the real league for real fans. Wayne Rooney looks like Shrek and I am sure your friends would not want him anywhere near the beautiful team they support - scoring goals comes a poor second to looking good. Also, blue is a nice colour. Hope that helps, Di.
"I've got a few friends from home who never really understand what it feels like to win football matches. They support some knacked out no-hopers who haven't won the league since 1967/68. Tonight, the Red Devils masterfully outplayed the might of Fenerbahce and stuffed then 6-2. Wayne Rooney scored a hat trick on his debut. How do you think I should talk to these poor, depressed fools to let them know just how good it feels to win a match in the Champions League?"
Well, Di Ablo, I would suggest that you are some kind of deluded freak. The Champions League is nowhere near as important and exciting as a yearly relegation battle, and winning the old (but not old old) division one is the pinnacle of any team's success. Also, according to the wisdom of Coca-cola, the Championship is the real league for real fans. Wayne Rooney looks like Shrek and I am sure your friends would not want him anywhere near the beautiful team they support - scoring goals comes a poor second to looking good. Also, blue is a nice colour. Hope that helps, Di.
Boring blog
Michael Greenwell has a new blog but is a little concerned.
He asks: "I've just set up a new blog and no one reads it. It's been online for a full half hour and I've still no response from anyone. My e-mail is visible in the profile and everything. Am I just a boring twat? or is the internet broken?"
Patience, little one, it takes time to build up such a huge following as this extremely popular and successful website. Now your plight has been recognised by this esteemed site I am sure you will enjoy a much higher level of response. It seems that the internet is not broken, so I suppose it must be true that you are boring. Either that or no one likes you. I recommend you include some more interesting things on your blog. Hope that helps, Michael.
He asks: "I've just set up a new blog and no one reads it. It's been online for a full half hour and I've still no response from anyone. My e-mail is visible in the profile and everything. Am I just a boring twat? or is the internet broken?"
Patience, little one, it takes time to build up such a huge following as this extremely popular and successful website. Now your plight has been recognised by this esteemed site I am sure you will enjoy a much higher level of response. It seems that the internet is not broken, so I suppose it must be true that you are boring. Either that or no one likes you. I recommend you include some more interesting things on your blog. Hope that helps, Michael.
Sunday, September 26, 2004
What not to wear?
Wilma Worrywort has emailed me with a problem as old as time: "I have a problem and I really need your advice. I can tell you're a snappy dresser as your page is so stylishly dressed in that glamorous pink colour and it is fashion advice I need. I've been invited to an informal social gathering, someone I really want to impress will be there and so I am stuck with the eternal feminine question: what shall I wear? Although it's a casual do I don't want to look scruffy and I do want to look drop-dead gorgeous. What do you think?
Well, Wilma, it is true that I have exceptionally good fashion sense, and so you have come to the right place. I would recommend that you do not try too hard, as this screams desperation. Dress casually, but just because you are single in your late 20s it doesn't mean you have to let yourself go. Combing your hair can make all the difference, as can a bit of make up. However, if you pull him you will probably end up not wearing any clothes anyway, so it won't be an issue. Hope that helps, Wilma.
Well, Wilma, it is true that I have exceptionally good fashion sense, and so you have come to the right place. I would recommend that you do not try too hard, as this screams desperation. Dress casually, but just because you are single in your late 20s it doesn't mean you have to let yourself go. Combing your hair can make all the difference, as can a bit of make up. However, if you pull him you will probably end up not wearing any clothes anyway, so it won't be an issue. Hope that helps, Wilma.
Chocolate challenge
Ms P has a request for my excellent advice and writes: "The other day I was totally stressed out and decided to treat my stress with some chocolate. I opened the wrapper and it told me to "Go easy on myself" It was just what I needed to calm myself down and make me laugh. But the next piece of chocolate suggested I "Melt someone's heart with a promise". The first wrapper was so perfect for my karma that I want to follow the instructions of the second. But how do I know who's heart I'm supposed to melt and what promise I need to make?"
Well, I will firstly answer the problem of who you need to make the promise to. If chocolate is your best friend then you really can't afford to be too choosy - just pick the next person you see. As for what the promise should be, just promise to buy them expensive gifts and beer and you should be sorted. Hope that helps, Ms.
Well, I will firstly answer the problem of who you need to make the promise to. If chocolate is your best friend then you really can't afford to be too choosy - just pick the next person you see. As for what the promise should be, just promise to buy them expensive gifts and beer and you should be sorted. Hope that helps, Ms.
Friday, September 24, 2004
Something saucy
Connie Di Ment has emailed in with a serious problem, which makes several of the recent problems I have dealt with seem somewhat frivolous.
"I have a very small kitchen and my cupboards are nearly full. I have one small sauce bottle sized space left and I don't know whether to buy a bottle of red or brown sauce. I cannot store both. Please help; Heinz Tomato Ketchup or HP Brown Sauce; which one should I buy?"
This is a surprisingly straightforward problem to solve, even though at first glance it appears to be extraordinarily complex. It is essential that you buy HP Brown Sauce as Heinz Tomato Ketchup is the food of the devil. Do not touch it. Hope that helps, Connie.
"I have a very small kitchen and my cupboards are nearly full. I have one small sauce bottle sized space left and I don't know whether to buy a bottle of red or brown sauce. I cannot store both. Please help; Heinz Tomato Ketchup or HP Brown Sauce; which one should I buy?"
This is a surprisingly straightforward problem to solve, even though at first glance it appears to be extraordinarily complex. It is essential that you buy HP Brown Sauce as Heinz Tomato Ketchup is the food of the devil. Do not touch it. Hope that helps, Connie.
Younger girl fetish
Humbert has asked: "I don't know whether you can help me. I can't seem to stop myself from looking at girls far too young for me. When I'm in the pub, or in the street, me eyes are drawn to them, and sometimes I think it must be very obvious. My friends and colleagues have noticed and make derogatory comments. Should I just give into temptation and get a job at Clare's Accessories, or can you suggest ways to kick this habit?"
It is a fact of life that only young girls are attractive. Once they reach their mid twenties they are well past it, and may as well give up by the time they get to 28. Ignore your so called friends' comments - they are merely jealous. If getting a job in Clare's Accessories would make you happy, then go for it - just make sure you send Adviceforall free earrings for the excellent wisdom dispensed. Hope that helps, Humbert.
It is a fact of life that only young girls are attractive. Once they reach their mid twenties they are well past it, and may as well give up by the time they get to 28. Ignore your so called friends' comments - they are merely jealous. If getting a job in Clare's Accessories would make you happy, then go for it - just make sure you send Adviceforall free earrings for the excellent wisdom dispensed. Hope that helps, Humbert.
Teenage trauma
A spotty teenager writes: "I recently discovered that girls are good fun in more ways than just putting mud down their back and pulling their hair. Now whenever I see a pretty girl I get these strange thoughts and stirrings. Is this normal? If not how can I go about stopping them?"
Well, spotty, it is perfectly normal to have strange thoughts and stirrings whenever you see a pretty girl. However, if you are spotty and a teenager, which you are, you have no chance whatsoever with these lovely ladies and you should just give up on the idea. Hope that helps, spotty.
Well, spotty, it is perfectly normal to have strange thoughts and stirrings whenever you see a pretty girl. However, if you are spotty and a teenager, which you are, you have no chance whatsoever with these lovely ladies and you should just give up on the idea. Hope that helps, spotty.
Wednesday, September 22, 2004
Polynomial puzzlement
I have received a truly fascinating request for my high quality advice.
Magus of Magaluf asks: "I have something of a problem. I am having trouble sleeping as I keep wondering if P=NP? In other words, is it possible for a deterministic Turing machine to solve in polynomial time problems which are solved by a nondeterministic Turing machine in polynomial time, or, on the contrary, is the traveling salesman problem truly "hard" in the sense that no polynomial-time algorithm exists to solve it?"
Are you sure you are having trouble sleeping? It sounds as though this would send anyone to sleep. However, you might be one of those odd people who enjoys working out complicatedness and therefore has no friends. I would suggest that if N=1 then P=NP, however, there are so many numbers in the world that the probability of N=1 is infinitly low. Therefore I suggest you go and find other hobbies and forget the travelling salesman. There are plenty more fish in the sea. Hope that helps, Magus.
Magus of Magaluf asks: "I have something of a problem. I am having trouble sleeping as I keep wondering if P=NP? In other words, is it possible for a deterministic Turing machine to solve in polynomial time problems which are solved by a nondeterministic Turing machine in polynomial time, or, on the contrary, is the traveling salesman problem truly "hard" in the sense that no polynomial-time algorithm exists to solve it?"
Are you sure you are having trouble sleeping? It sounds as though this would send anyone to sleep. However, you might be one of those odd people who enjoys working out complicatedness and therefore has no friends. I would suggest that if N=1 then P=NP, however, there are so many numbers in the world that the probability of N=1 is infinitly low. Therefore I suggest you go and find other hobbies and forget the travelling salesman. There are plenty more fish in the sea. Hope that helps, Magus.
Schoolboy solution
Mr Tim Brightly Esq age 13 and three quarters asks:" My problem is about my new teacher. She is witty, urbane, sophisticated and knowledgable about life, the universe and everything. I heart her. She has nice hair and is a snappy dresser with really good shoes and I am constantly having impure thoughts about holding her hand. I have run out of space in the back of my exercise book so great is my love... and I don't even know her first name. What shall I do? I hope you can turn your brilliant mind to this quandry."
Well, Tim, its nice to see such sense in a youngster in coming to me for help. I suspect this lady is well out of your league, but if she is in her mid twenties and has not yet found a man she is obviously desperate and would be grateful to you for holding her hand. Beware though, however lovely she looks, she has chosen to be a teacher and therefore must be a freak. Hope that helps, Tim.
Well, Tim, its nice to see such sense in a youngster in coming to me for help. I suspect this lady is well out of your league, but if she is in her mid twenties and has not yet found a man she is obviously desperate and would be grateful to you for holding her hand. Beware though, however lovely she looks, she has chosen to be a teacher and therefore must be a freak. Hope that helps, Tim.
Problematic Problems
So unselfish and helpful is my advice to others that I am willing to give advice to a person who may well be in competition with me.
Doctor Guy Dance asks:"I am a fellow professional advice giver and have been giving advice for some years now. However, sometimes I don't get sent very good problems and this makes it hard to give good advice. After all, as you must be aware, nothing attracts bad advice as much as a bad problem does. Sometimes the issue is so acute that I actually have no problems to give any advice on at all. Usually I make up some stupid story involving immoral activities between sad teenagers or something. That often does the trick. How could I make up better problems? I'd really like my column in the Weeekend Advertiser for Northern Knutsford to become as respected as your esteemed site, but I feel I am let down by the quality and quantity of the problems I have."
Well, luckily the people who write to me have very real and disturbing problems which makes it easy to dispense my excellent advice. In order to gain a better quality of problem I suggest you gather your friends together, provide vodka and lock them in a room. Throwing around a few rumours and stirring up trouble is also good. Eventually, they will get themselves into some sticky situation and require your advice. Failing that, they may drink so much that they lose all recollection and you can pretend got up to all sorts. This is an excellent way of gaining a non stop flow of high quality problems. Hope that helps, Doctor.
Doctor Guy Dance asks:"I am a fellow professional advice giver and have been giving advice for some years now. However, sometimes I don't get sent very good problems and this makes it hard to give good advice. After all, as you must be aware, nothing attracts bad advice as much as a bad problem does. Sometimes the issue is so acute that I actually have no problems to give any advice on at all. Usually I make up some stupid story involving immoral activities between sad teenagers or something. That often does the trick. How could I make up better problems? I'd really like my column in the Weeekend Advertiser for Northern Knutsford to become as respected as your esteemed site, but I feel I am let down by the quality and quantity of the problems I have."
Well, luckily the people who write to me have very real and disturbing problems which makes it easy to dispense my excellent advice. In order to gain a better quality of problem I suggest you gather your friends together, provide vodka and lock them in a room. Throwing around a few rumours and stirring up trouble is also good. Eventually, they will get themselves into some sticky situation and require your advice. Failing that, they may drink so much that they lose all recollection and you can pretend got up to all sorts. This is an excellent way of gaining a non stop flow of high quality problems. Hope that helps, Doctor.
Tuesday, September 21, 2004
Miserable old maid
Suzy-Sunday-Supplement of Leamington Spa has asked: "I am a single woman in my late twenties. Am I desperate?"
Well, Suzy, the very fact that you have taken the time to email me would suggest that you have far too much time on your hands and are in fact desperate for a man, woman or bizarre freak. I would recommend you spend less time sending emails and more time down Rios making yourself available. If you are really lucky, someone may take pity on you. Hope that helps, Suzy.
Well, Suzy, the very fact that you have taken the time to email me would suggest that you have far too much time on your hands and are in fact desperate for a man, woman or bizarre freak. I would recommend you spend less time sending emails and more time down Rios making yourself available. If you are really lucky, someone may take pity on you. Hope that helps, Suzy.
Monday, September 20, 2004
Drinking on the cheap
Its been a while since my advice was needed, but I am as keen as ever to dispense my wisdom to those in need.
Sebastian Tarquin Buttersworth (esq) writes "Seb here ... Need advice - and pronto ... I'm running out of money and can't afford beer - could you please give me some fantastic ideas on how I could be sociable, but also keep the cost down."
Well, Sebastian, you have two choices. One option which many adopt is to go to the pub, get into a round and then run away when your round comes around. Obviously, this only works once or twice before people get on to you and give you a slapping. A second and better option is the house party arrangement. Invite people round, tell them to bring beer and then drink all their beer when they arrive. They will be so drunk by the time the beer runs out that they will never suspect you. They may also leave beer and wine behind. The perfect crime. Hope that helps, Sebastian.
Sebastian Tarquin Buttersworth (esq) writes "Seb here ... Need advice - and pronto ... I'm running out of money and can't afford beer - could you please give me some fantastic ideas on how I could be sociable, but also keep the cost down."
Well, Sebastian, you have two choices. One option which many adopt is to go to the pub, get into a round and then run away when your round comes around. Obviously, this only works once or twice before people get on to you and give you a slapping. A second and better option is the house party arrangement. Invite people round, tell them to bring beer and then drink all their beer when they arrive. They will be so drunk by the time the beer runs out that they will never suspect you. They may also leave beer and wine behind. The perfect crime. Hope that helps, Sebastian.
Sunday, September 19, 2004
Sunday solution
Problems don't have Sundays off, and so I am happy to help out the following person by dispensing my excellent advice.
Graham Glottalstop writes: "I was having a very enjoyable day out yesterday, gambling my shirt on some old nags on their way to the slaughterhouse and wasn't being very successful. As it turned out, I lost my house, cars and pet alligator. Some of the people I was with were a little more fortunate and won enough to retire on at the age of 28. Now, I don't begrudge the bastards on their good fortune. Honestly if they're happy to see me destitute and penniless just so that they can fly off to Hawaii every other weekend, that's just fine. However, they just wouldn't shut up. Having to listen to them decide which house they were going to sleep in tonight was a bit painful, especially as I had to doss down on the park bench in the snow. In such a situation, how should I politely excuse myself to go and cry in a corner and not have to listen to their smug crowing? Telling them to shut the f*** up and running away seems a little churlish."
Well, Graham, firstly if you owned more than one car you deserve to be hated and at least now you have lost them you can be removed from the hated people list. Secondly, do not object to your friends' good fortune - they are obviously much more skilled and intelligent than you are and chose their horses based on logic and judgment. Be nice to them as they are better than you now as they have more money - you should be grateful they will still talk to you. Maybe they will even let you stay on their yacht. Hope that helps, Graham.
Graham Glottalstop writes: "I was having a very enjoyable day out yesterday, gambling my shirt on some old nags on their way to the slaughterhouse and wasn't being very successful. As it turned out, I lost my house, cars and pet alligator. Some of the people I was with were a little more fortunate and won enough to retire on at the age of 28. Now, I don't begrudge the bastards on their good fortune. Honestly if they're happy to see me destitute and penniless just so that they can fly off to Hawaii every other weekend, that's just fine. However, they just wouldn't shut up. Having to listen to them decide which house they were going to sleep in tonight was a bit painful, especially as I had to doss down on the park bench in the snow. In such a situation, how should I politely excuse myself to go and cry in a corner and not have to listen to their smug crowing? Telling them to shut the f*** up and running away seems a little churlish."
Well, Graham, firstly if you owned more than one car you deserve to be hated and at least now you have lost them you can be removed from the hated people list. Secondly, do not object to your friends' good fortune - they are obviously much more skilled and intelligent than you are and chose their horses based on logic and judgment. Be nice to them as they are better than you now as they have more money - you should be grateful they will still talk to you. Maybe they will even let you stay on their yacht. Hope that helps, Graham.
Saturday, September 18, 2004
Colour quandry
I had a request for advice yesterday, but I did not feel that I had the skills to deal with such a complex and potentially troublesome problem without consulting people much more experienced than myself. After making such consultations I can finally suggest advice.
Polly asked: "I can't decide whether to paint me kitchen pink or white - what do you think?"
Now, Polly, there are many factors that need to be taken into consideration when making such a potentially life altering decision. I would look deep into your soul and after considering how your relationship with your parents has sculpted your life today, I would paint your kitchen white. Hope that helps, Polly.
Polly asked: "I can't decide whether to paint me kitchen pink or white - what do you think?"
Now, Polly, there are many factors that need to be taken into consideration when making such a potentially life altering decision. I would look deep into your soul and after considering how your relationship with your parents has sculpted your life today, I would paint your kitchen white. Hope that helps, Polly.
Wood chuck chucking wood
My advice surely knows no bounds. Alan Whicker wants to know: "How Many Chucks Would A Wood Chuck Chuck If, a wood chuck could chuck wood"
There is no such thing as a chuck. However, the answer to the question "how much wood could a wood chuck chuck if a wood chuck could chuck wood" is "as much wood as a wood chuck could chuck if a wood chuck could chuck wood". Hope that helps, Alan.
There is no such thing as a chuck. However, the answer to the question "how much wood could a wood chuck chuck if a wood chuck could chuck wood" is "as much wood as a wood chuck could chuck if a wood chuck could chuck wood". Hope that helps, Alan.
Rock request
I have had an interesting request for help from Tommy Tipplebum who writes: "I have a sudden desire to listen to some loud rock music, preferably with a folk-y influence. And it must be (mostly) Spanish. Do you know of any such music. It's a crazy craving I know, but surely - if such a band did exist - they'd have to be the best band in the world. I'm fed up of listening to Wham!, Kylie and the bloody Smiths"
Well, you lucky person, allow me to advise that you listen to Mago de Oz (known as the Oz to friends). They are surely the best band in the world and must be listened to very loud. Its probably for the best if you don't understand Spanish as they surely sing about rubbish, but they rock! Their back catalogue is available in all good El Cortez Ingles stores in Madrid, and includes a Rock Opera. I recommend 'Belfast', but stay away from 'Somewhere over the rainbow' Hope that helps, Tommy.
Well, you lucky person, allow me to advise that you listen to Mago de Oz (known as the Oz to friends). They are surely the best band in the world and must be listened to very loud. Its probably for the best if you don't understand Spanish as they surely sing about rubbish, but they rock! Their back catalogue is available in all good El Cortez Ingles stores in Madrid, and includes a Rock Opera. I recommend 'Belfast', but stay away from 'Somewhere over the rainbow' Hope that helps, Tommy.
Drinking problem
Even though it is the weekend I will still selflessly give my expertise to this troubled soul.
Albert Schwanger asks: "When I woke up this morning, I had a bad headache and was very thirsty. I don't really understand this because I certainly drank alot last night. Can you explain to me how I might avoid feeling like this. I am off out at lunchtime and will be drinking loads again - so some timely advice would be useful. BTW, one of the people I was out with was called Debbie, she seemed like a very loveley person - you and her would probably get on very well"
Yes, this is a common problem. When we drink a lot our mouths get used to the amount of liquid and when we stop we get very thirsty because our bodies want more beer. The headache is through frustration of not having a drink. I would recommend that you start drinking beer again as soon as possible. To be healthy, drink eight pints of beer a day - its just flavour and fizz and good for you. Hope that helps, Albert!
Albert Schwanger asks: "When I woke up this morning, I had a bad headache and was very thirsty. I don't really understand this because I certainly drank alot last night. Can you explain to me how I might avoid feeling like this. I am off out at lunchtime and will be drinking loads again - so some timely advice would be useful. BTW, one of the people I was out with was called Debbie, she seemed like a very loveley person - you and her would probably get on very well"
Yes, this is a common problem. When we drink a lot our mouths get used to the amount of liquid and when we stop we get very thirsty because our bodies want more beer. The headache is through frustration of not having a drink. I would recommend that you start drinking beer again as soon as possible. To be healthy, drink eight pints of beer a day - its just flavour and fizz and good for you. Hope that helps, Albert!
Friday, September 17, 2004
Horse play
I have had a question which is not really a problem, but I will attempt to answer it all the same.
A friend in Warwick has asked: "I am going to the Horse Races tomorrow - which horses should I put my money on?"
I would suggest that while you do not really have a problem at the moment, one could be gained by frequent gambling on the horses. As prevention is better than cure I would not put your money on the horses and instead buy Debbie a big gift and much beer. Hope that helps, friend.
A friend in Warwick has asked: "I am going to the Horse Races tomorrow - which horses should I put my money on?"
I would suggest that while you do not really have a problem at the moment, one could be gained by frequent gambling on the horses. As prevention is better than cure I would not put your money on the horses and instead buy Debbie a big gift and much beer. Hope that helps, friend.
Irony and everything
I have had a reply from someone who I have given my high quality advice to. Please see "Full of hate, not good" from previously.
Zippy Deedoo writes:"Thankyou for your Good Advice. Unfortunately, as I do not wish to hate myself, it appears that I will not be able to take it. Isn't it Ironic?"
For which the only true and possible response is "Don't you think?"
Zippy Deedoo writes:"Thankyou for your Good Advice. Unfortunately, as I do not wish to hate myself, it appears that I will not be able to take it. Isn't it Ironic?"
For which the only true and possible response is "Don't you think?"
Chunky Challenge
Here is yet another problem which has been sent to me in order to benefit from my wonderful advice.
Chunky of Leamington Spa writes: "Attempted to introduce a new world record - Number of FAB Ice Lolly's Eaten in one day - got a letter from the guiness book of records declining my record; ... Please let me know how I can make myself serious to these people"
Adviceforall's response is thus:
Thank you for sending me the details of your recent problem. I am afraid to say that I am unable to accept this as a problem. I receive over 6 problems a year from which only a small proportion are approved by our experienced researchers to establish new problems. I think you will appreciate that I am bound to favour those that reflect the greatest interest.
I appreciate that this may be disappointing to you. I am always keen to hear from people who wish to have a problem. If you should need any advice regarding problems in the future, please do not hesitate to contact me, quoting the above title.
Once again thank you for your interest in problems.
Hope that helps, Chunky.
Chunky of Leamington Spa writes: "Attempted to introduce a new world record - Number of FAB Ice Lolly's Eaten in one day - got a letter from the guiness book of records declining my record; ... Please let me know how I can make myself serious to these people"
Adviceforall's response is thus:
Thank you for sending me the details of your recent problem. I am afraid to say that I am unable to accept this as a problem. I receive over 6 problems a year from which only a small proportion are approved by our experienced researchers to establish new problems. I think you will appreciate that I am bound to favour those that reflect the greatest interest.
I appreciate that this may be disappointing to you. I am always keen to hear from people who wish to have a problem. If you should need any advice regarding problems in the future, please do not hesitate to contact me, quoting the above title.
Once again thank you for your interest in problems.
Hope that helps, Chunky.
Angel in distress
I have had a request for help for someone very much in need. I will offer the best advice I can.
LovelyPerson of Old Town writes "I am always a very nice person, and I speak only the truth. Recently, some of my so called friends have suggested that at times I might make things up. They are also bad people who get up to all sorts and keep leading me astray. When I protest I am an angel they say I am a devil and say they are going to set me up in a compromising position and take photographs in order to blackmail me."
Ah, the number of times I have come across such a situation in my many years as advisor. I would suggest that these people are pure evil and you avoid them. They are merely jealous of your high intelligence, your ability to take alcohol and your pretty hair. I would get better friends if I was you. Hope that helps, LovelyPerson.
LovelyPerson of Old Town writes "I am always a very nice person, and I speak only the truth. Recently, some of my so called friends have suggested that at times I might make things up. They are also bad people who get up to all sorts and keep leading me astray. When I protest I am an angel they say I am a devil and say they are going to set me up in a compromising position and take photographs in order to blackmail me."
Ah, the number of times I have come across such a situation in my many years as advisor. I would suggest that these people are pure evil and you avoid them. They are merely jealous of your high intelligence, your ability to take alcohol and your pretty hair. I would get better friends if I was you. Hope that helps, LovelyPerson.
Full of hate, not good
Zippy Deedoo is worried and needs advice and writes: "Nothing makes me more angry than people who make lists of categories of people that they hate. In fact, I'd go as far as to say that the list of people I hate comprises solely of those people who make lists of people who they hate. I have an acquaintance who has made such a list - how do I inform them that I now hate them?"
Well, Zippy Deedoo, you have quite a quandry there. I would suggest that you merely tell this person you hate them and then add them to your list of people you hate. You won't win any friends, but who cares? You may then also hate yourself, which is a different issue entirely. Hope that helps, ZippyDeedoo.
Well, Zippy Deedoo, you have quite a quandry there. I would suggest that you merely tell this person you hate them and then add them to your list of people you hate. You won't win any friends, but who cares? You may then also hate yourself, which is a different issue entirely. Hope that helps, ZippyDeedoo.
Computer game habit
I have had a request for advice from a troubled boyfriend. He writes: "I think I might be losing my girlfriend to a computer game. We used to spend every day gazing into each other's eyes gently stroking each other's cheeks with our fingertips. However, she discovered a computer game. At first she kept her habit under control, and she was satisfied with her hi-scores. Then they started publishing hi-scores to the Internet, and my girlfriend won't rest until she is number one in the world. She's not eating or sleeping, and she just ignores me."
I would recommend that you buy your girlfriend fancy jewels and gifts to keep her interested. You should be proud of her obsession and help out by doing all the cooking and cleaning. She will be number one in the world one day, and if you can find and possibly seriously injure Goldenboy then she will certainly pay you more attention. Hope that helps, Troubledboyfriend!
I would recommend that you buy your girlfriend fancy jewels and gifts to keep her interested. You should be proud of her obsession and help out by doing all the cooking and cleaning. She will be number one in the world one day, and if you can find and possibly seriously injure Goldenboy then she will certainly pay you more attention. Hope that helps, Troubledboyfriend!
Psycho nutcase
Reynata Poppycock is worried. She says "I don't know if you can help me or not but I am feeling quite confused. Its my friend, you see. She has a bit of a problem... well she was working late last night and her boss was there and, well, she doesn't really like him. That is to say, hates him. And, well he hasn't come into work today... Of course, she wouldn't mean to kill him or anything. Well maybe just a little. But he is mean and ugly and patronising so in the sheme of things it should be ok. Shouldn't it? Anyway, the cleaner is looking a little pale and has been working on a dirty red patch on the carpet but has just run off..."
I would recommend you talk to your friend about this, but be careful because they sound like a psycho nutcase. Obviously, there is nothing wrong with killing someone you don't like, but the red patch could well be red wine, so be careful. Hope that helps, Reynata.
I would recommend you talk to your friend about this, but be careful because they sound like a psycho nutcase. Obviously, there is nothing wrong with killing someone you don't like, but the red patch could well be red wine, so be careful. Hope that helps, Reynata.
Goat you say?
I have received another request for my specialised help and high quality advice:
Frustrated of Leamington Spa writes:" This laptop is falling to bits and driving me crazy. It has a screw loose and there appears to be a goat living in it. This problem is keeping me awake at night as it takes an hour to log off the machine and shut down before I can go to bed - whatever shall I do?"
Well, Frustrated, I would look at the source of your problem and give whoever supplied you with the laptop a good slapping. It won't solve your problem, but it will be funny. On the lack of sleep note, eveyone knows that sleep is for the weak, so it is actually character building. Hope that helps, Frustrated.
Frustrated of Leamington Spa writes:" This laptop is falling to bits and driving me crazy. It has a screw loose and there appears to be a goat living in it. This problem is keeping me awake at night as it takes an hour to log off the machine and shut down before I can go to bed - whatever shall I do?"
Well, Frustrated, I would look at the source of your problem and give whoever supplied you with the laptop a good slapping. It won't solve your problem, but it will be funny. On the lack of sleep note, eveyone knows that sleep is for the weak, so it is actually character building. Hope that helps, Frustrated.
Thursday, September 16, 2004
First problem
Well, merely seconds since this site has gone online I have had my first request for advice, in a manner of speaking.
Twinklegirl says "I don't really have a big problem I need advice on right now. I'm just really impatient because I'm waiting to see if I got a call back to a play I auditioned for, and I'm losing my mind over it. Btw, are you just someone who likes to give advice, but havn't had any official training? Just wondering."
My advice to Twinklegirl would be this:
Stop wasting Adviceforall's valuable time. Spend more time auditioning and less time writing pointless emails. And who are you anyway? Hope that helps, Twinklegirl.
Twinklegirl says "I don't really have a big problem I need advice on right now. I'm just really impatient because I'm waiting to see if I got a call back to a play I auditioned for, and I'm losing my mind over it. Btw, are you just someone who likes to give advice, but havn't had any official training? Just wondering."
My advice to Twinklegirl would be this:
Stop wasting Adviceforall's valuable time. Spend more time auditioning and less time writing pointless emails. And who are you anyway? Hope that helps, Twinklegirl.
Advice just waiting to be given
Send in your problems, quandries, dilemmas and let me deal with them. High quality advice to be given to you lucky people. Very impartial and confidentiality is guaranteed. It saves you thinking and means you will certainly do the right thing.
Just email your problems to givemegoodadvice@hotmail.com and await the answer.
Just email your problems to givemegoodadvice@hotmail.com and await the answer.
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