Mr Tim Brightly Esq age 13 and three quarters asks:" My problem is about my new teacher. She is witty, urbane, sophisticated and knowledgable about life, the universe and everything. I heart her. She has nice hair and is a snappy dresser with really good shoes and I am constantly having impure thoughts about holding her hand. I have run out of space in the back of my exercise book so great is my love... and I don't even know her first name. What shall I do? I hope you can turn your brilliant mind to this quandry."
Well, Tim, its nice to see such sense in a youngster in coming to me for help. I suspect this lady is well out of your league, but if she is in her mid twenties and has not yet found a man she is obviously desperate and would be grateful to you for holding her hand. Beware though, however lovely she looks, she has chosen to be a teacher and therefore must be a freak. Hope that helps, Tim.